Miss America!  Ahhh, once again the sequin and tiara craving beast that lives inside me has been satisfied.  This year’s Miss America pageant was a dandy.  I enjoyed it from beginning to end.  You know I’m happy to give you a brief summary of the event.  I’ll start with the parade of states, your first look at the contestants (unless you’re a weirdo fan like me and look them up ahead of time).  Each girl gets a few seconds of camera time and it’s their chance  to shout out their name and witty reference to their state.  Miss Arkansas said that she was Kristen Glover and she was from the great state of Arkansas “where being called a hog is a compliment!”…Miss Nevada offered her name and the fact that she was from the state “with the best dam features”….get it? Hoover Dam. Miss Idaho called herself a hot potato and Miss Virginia mentioned moonshine.  I knew we were off to a great start.  After the glittering kickoff to the show, the contestants were quickly whittled down to fourteen semi-finalists, with an extra gal thrown in as “America’s choice” based on online voting.  They scampered backstage to prepare for the swimsuit competition which was a parade of beautiful young women in bikinis.  I don’t think Mickey has blinked since it started.  I will say this, every contestant was gorgeous in her six square inches of regulation fabric, but I miss the days of the standard “entrance-three point turn-depart” system.  Apparently they are now allowed to freestyle and some work it like they need the money.  But that’s all I’ll say about that.  Then something AWFUL happened.  Numbers were reduced to twelve,  but with a twist. The three girls who had been cut were asked to stand at the front of the stage…and all previously eliminated contestants were allowed to “save” a girl by lining up behind their favorite of the three.  WHAT?!?  It was like some sort of middle school gym class nightmare.  In the end, Miss Alabama was saved and the other two departed knowing that not only did they not look good enough in their swimsuits, but the rest of the girls didn’t like them either.  I have a feeling there will be some emotional eating of Ben & Jerry’s in the hotel tonight.  I think it was just an awful thing to do. Horrible.   Thank goodness, evening gown was up next and if anything will get a bad taste out of my mouth, it’s GOWNS. Sparkly gowns, flowing gowns, gowns of all sorts. Oh, I do love em!  The break down was as follows: six white gowns, 2 nude sequined gowns, 2 black gowns, 1 red…all very nice, but the two that stood out were Texas who knocked it out of the park with a dazzling gold number, and Alabama who I swear used a a bowdabra to accessorize her black and white gown.  There was a bow perched on her shoulder that was as big as a tire. It was HUGE, y’all.  Huge.  I don’t think she scored any extra points for that one.  I couldn’t help thinking that if she got sleepy backstage she could just tilt her head an inch or two and use that bow as a convenient pillow.  It was large. From evening gown we went straight to the talent portion of the contest - with a collection of vocalists and ballerinas with one Irish step dancer and a pianist thrown into the mix.  Miss Wisconsin wowed the place with an operatic number and Miss Oklahoma did an energetic step dance until her shoe literally came apart.  Miss California was a very intense and sort of scary black swan ballerina.  I may have nightmares.  The best part of the talent section is that fun facts about each participant pop up during their minute and a half performance - just things you might need to know about your future Miss America.  Things like “Miss New York wishes to visit outer space”..”Miss Louisiana almost swallowed a diamond”…”Miss Oklahoma drives a truck with a lift kit”…and my personal favorite, “Miss Illinois is afraid of windmills”…mmmm-hmmm. Interesting. And I’ll need to know more about that diamond story.  This is another area where I think the Miss America folks could work on being a kinder, gentler pageant…during the talent portion thirteen girls dress up and wait, but only ten get called - that’s how you get your ten semi-finalists.  So, often there are girls left standing with a bugle or a baton or an outrageous costume that wasn’t easy to get into.  I think that could be handled better.  Those ten then face the biggest cut of the night when only five are chosen to continue to the interview round.   Since Mickey is walking around turning lights off, I’ll wrap this up quickly.  The remaining five gave confident and intelligent answers to questions on topics ranging from Occupy Wall Street to reality tv.  Remember, this is a scholarship pageant.  That’s why you need to wear a bikini.  Next up they give the reigning Miss America a chance to walk around one last time in her crown and give a little speech about what fun it’s been.  Honestly, the sadness that they try to project as she takes her “last walk” leads me to think that after she’s done they’ll take her out back and shoot her. What the heck?  In the end, a queen was chosen and she was from the great state of Wisconsin.  A beautiful brunette with twinkling eyes was crowned our new Miss America.  She was the one who belted out “Il Bacio” during the talent competition and  looked very glamorous in a black lace gown.  Bless her heart, she failed to wear waterproof mascara and when her name was called as the winner she cried black rivers down her cheeks.  Oops, rookie mistake.  Lesson learned. Other than that she seems well equipped to travel the nation doing good deeds and spreading cheer.  I’m quite satisfied with the new queen and I promise to dig up a few pageant pictures in the morning to share with you.  For now, I think I’ll toddle off to bed and dream of sequined gowns and sparkling crowns.  Good stuff.